I don’t know where I went astray and became this eccentric character isolated from the people I’d love to be close to. I know I am capable of being happy, but it’s so hard to be happy when you’re constantly reminded that you’re not normal. Why must i carry myself in such a way that destroys all chances of me making decent friends? I have great friends (that I am actually interested in) but they’re such a rare find for me. I have this new idea that maybe I have some form autism. I keep taking online diagnostic tests (fully aware that they aren’t a proper way of diagnosing myself). I just want a reason or something to confirm my behavioral anomalies. I’m struggling so hard to love myself. I feel like life’s a gamble and I’ve been dealt shit cards. I went to a walk-in appointment in a behavior health clinic today (because I got someone to tell me I am autistic). I went for myself because I needed confirmation, but I only got a chat about how I’m not autistic/just young and in a process of deep soul searching. It also became a wild goose chase (but that’s another story). I wish I could love myself, but I can’t do it alone and I don’t know how I can love myself if I can’t be normal and happy with myself or someone else. I wish I could just stop caring for what people thought about my awkwardness and quirks. I wish I were just so better built mentally that I could persevere any pain or negative thought. I wish I could better battle my usual slander and stabs in the back, but I take it and let it drag me so low, every time. I wonder when I’ll get any better at defeating my negativity and negative self-talk?